Going Home Thursday

I had intended to post updates while I was in the hospital, but things have been a little crazy.  Plus, I have had a lot more trouble with my hands this time.  It has affected my writing and definitely my typing and many other areas I have yet to discover.  I'm sure it will be an issue with my sewing. 

When I moved over to rehab, I was pretty weak.  After all the evals were in and we got a response from insurance, it was decided I would get to go home on the March 14th.  That would make my full hospitalization 3 weeks long.  Now, I have been in rehab for 11 days and I am doing better than they expected, so now I get to go home on the 12th, after Dr. Latorre refills my baclofen pump.

There has been several things different about this hospitalization.  First of all, the movement to my upper body came back slower than normal.  It took 3 days for me to start being able to move my hands, then once I could wiggle my fingers a little bit, it took more than 24 hours before my arms were strong enough to feed myself. 

I had my evaluations at rehab 6 days after the onset of paralysis.  Usually, I don't have too much trouble with the slide board transfers on my eval day.  They are a little challenging due to weakness, but I know the technique well.  This time, I could not transfer on my own.  I needed help to get from the bed to my chair.  I still had the indwelling catheter in, so I didn't have to worry about transferring to the toilet just yet.  Toilet transfers are much more difficult than bed transfers.  The slide board doesn't fit onto a toilet seat very well.  During my 2nd or 3rd admission for ascending paralysis, I discovered it is much easier to just slide directly over to the toilet from my wheelchair rather than trying to use the slide board.  I have been doing it that way ever since until I can do stand-pivot transfers.  However, my catheter was discontinued around 6pm on the 1st day, but I was already done with therapy, so I had to I&O cath from bed.  It didn't take too long before my transfers were much easier.  They still weren't easy though.

The other thing that was different this time is the staff has been more knowledgeable about my diagnosis.  There was a rather extensive medical journal article published recently about Functional Motor Disorder, which is just another name for Functional Neurological Disorder.  Recently, the staff here had a journal review of the article.  This means they have all heard of it and actually have some information about how it is treated.  This time my therapy has been a bit different.  We have tried to do  more movements that are "natural" so my brain will use the proper pathways and not the messed up pathways.  We are going to continue using this PT method in outpatient PT.  I am also going to start cognitive behavior therapy to start trying to eliminate the messed up "software" in my brain so it will only use the proper "software"/pathways.  Hopefully this will decrease the severity of the paralysis episodes and put more time between the paralysis episodes.  Ideally, I would like them to eventually stop, but I know from the blessings I have received that the time for that has not come yet.

The other big news I have is I have a new calling.  I have been serving as the Relief Society secretary in our ward for the last 8 months.  I was supposed to meet with a member of the bishopric the Sunday I was admitted.  When my paralysis started, I called the executive secretary and told him I wasn't going to be at church the next day and asked if they could do the interview over the phone.  I got a call about an hour later from the 2nd counselor in the bishopric releasing me as secretary then calling me as 1st counselor in the Relief Society presidency.  I was a little nervous about a calling with so much responsibility, but I know that the Lord is aware of my situation and the new Relief Society president is aware of it also, since she is my ministering sister.

I found a book on Amazon called Overcoming Functional Neurological Symptoms.  It is suppose to help with reprogramming my brain and helping me access the normal pathways in my brain and eliminating the abnormal pathways the FND has created.  I just started working on it.  It is actually a workbook, not just a self-help book.  I will also be starting cognitive behavior therapy specific to FND that will hopefully help eliminate those abnormal pathways.  I am starting things off by keeping a daily journal on how I feel both emotional and physically as well as documenting the things I do.  We are hoping we can find the trigger for the paralysis episodes. 

First week of Rehab

I haven't posted since I have been in rehab, so I figured I should give everyone an update, if anyone is reading this.  Day one of rehab is just evaluations.  I was hoping I would get my same physical therapist that I had my 1st 2 admissions, but I saw someone from a different floor for my evaluation.  She wasn't going to be my therapist and didn't  know who I would have.  My OT wasn't the same either.  I had a different one in March/April and in July.  I had worked a few times with the  one I got though and  I like her.  My PT, Kelsey, was my second choice if I couldn't get Victoria back.  I know, you probably don't care, but I might want to remember  this later.

Evaluations,Thursday November 29th- I can sit on the side of the bed now but I'm still  a little unsteady.  I can't move my legs but I can wiggle my toes just a tiny bit.  If you blink, you will miss it.  My arms are weak.  I can lift them up to my head but not all the way over my head.  I can transfer from the bed to the chair with the transfer board but it takes a lot of effort and  leaves me exhausted.  PT tried to get me to stand but she had to pull me up most of the way and hold me up the entire 10 seconds so I don't really think that counted much.  She said she could feel a little bit of muscle activation when I did that though, so the potential  is there.

Each day I have gotten a little bit stronger, gotten a little bit of movement back here and there.  I have been sore and tired.  I felt like I have been working out with heavy weights for hours on end rather than just 1# weights and trying to move my own legs.  On Monday, I started pool therapy.  In the pool, it is so much easier to move around and walk. The 1st day in the pool 2 days ago, I walked about 6 feet and I had to rest half way there.  Today, I did 2 laps of 6 feet in the pool before I had to rest.  Yesterday, I walked 8 feet on land with a walker.  My core strength is almost back to normal.  I can tell I still have a little bit of work to do because my abs and obliques are sore after therapy.  All of this therapy has really kicked up my muscle spasms.  At first, the spasms would help activate my muscle movement.  Now that I can get the muscles activated myself, the spasms just make my muscles more fatigued.  Tomorrow, my doctor is going to make adjustments to my baclofen pump to help those spasms.  It is a fine balancing act.  Too much baclofen and my legs get weak, not enough and I have muscle spasms.  For the most part, my dose is spot on and I only have to have it tweaked occasionally.  It was one of the best things I had done.

I am scheduled to go home on December 12th.  I am confident I will  be ready to go home.  I may not be walking very much, but enough that I can stand at the kitchen stove to cook and stand up to get the higher things I need in the kitchen, especially since I will be home alone during the day.  I am a little bit nervous about that part.  I have never been home alone when I first come home from the hospital.  I have always had someone at home to help me.  I am sure that  I will be fine.  I usually didn't  need the help but it was nice to know that Andrew was there if I needed him.

I'll be posting the next part of my weight loss journey soon.

Approved for rehab

I finally got approved for rehab yesterday.  So now that we have insurance on board, the rehab hospital didn't have any beds.  I was so frustrated.  When you are inpatient in the regular hospital, you get 30 minutes of PT every other day.  When I'm in the ICU, that is about all I can tolerate.  Now that I am on  the floor, I need so much more.  When I get to rehab, I'll get 3 hours a day, more if I go to the pool.  I need all of that if I am going to get back to walking.  They told me they should have a bed for me this morning.

I am doing better staying on my diet this time.  It is impossible to stay 100% on a ketogenic diet in the hospital.  I can't get the hospital to send me enough vegetables, and the proper vegetables to meet that requirement.  Plus, so much of their menu is centered about pasta and bread.  I'm trying not to have bread type products more than once a day.  I will be excited if I can maintain through this hospitalization.  When I get home, I am hoping that I have not gained any weight, then I can get back on track.  I had 8 pounds to lose when I entered the hospital last week and I am determined not to let this hospitalization set me back too far.  My goal was to start transitioning into maintenance after January 1st and I still want to do that if at all possible. Being so close to maintenance, this will actually give me a good chance to test the waters.  I'm much more ready for the challenge of that than I was during the summer.  I just stress ate a lot during my summer hospitalization and ended up gaining weight.  Of coarse the fact that I haven't gotten out of bed in 9 days doesn't help my weight at all.

This is beginning to be a habit

I know it seems like I only post when I am in the hospital or when something is wrong, but that is about the only time  when my life slows down long enough for me to write.  I do want to find more time to write because I want to write my life store but I don't want to post that entire thing on my blog.  There are so many people wanting updates though that I thought I needed to start updating again.  I also have been writing out my weight loss story and I do plan on posting that.  I'm going to post that in sections because it is 6 pages long in Google Docs.

So, on Sunday, we had an amazing opportunity.  President Russell M. Nelson came to San Antonio to speak at the Alamodome.  We left the house at 2pm and  got there and into our seats by about 3:45.  He wasn't speaking until 6, so there was a lot of waiting around to do.  There was a lot of people there.  One of the speakers said there were over 23,500 people there.  Elder and  Sister Bednar spoke.  Sis. Bednar's talk was about 5 things she learned living in Texas.  They lived in Texas for a while before Elder Bednar became president of BYU-I.  Several of their grandchildren were born in Austin around the same time I was having my children. Bro Ochoa of the 70 and his wife spoke.  Then Sis. Nelson spoke about what life has been like since her husband's call to be prophet and the change she has seen in him.  The President Nelson spoke.  His talk was a lot about the gathering of Israel both here and in the afterlife. 

So while we were there, my central nervous system decided to go haywire again.  When the prophet came in, I could stand.  I listened to all the speakers and waited until the general authorities were escorted out of the Alamodome.  I went to stand up when the prophet was exiting the stage and my right leg was paralyzed.  Since it was only the 1 leg, we thought it was going to be a normal MS flare and not an episode of ascending paralysis.  Monday morning when I woke up, my left leg was also paralyzed.  Now we were facing something new.  I have never experienced the paralysis onset like this before.  We weren't sure if this was an MS flare with bilateral paralysis or the start of another episode of ascending paralysis.  I didn't have any weakness anywhere else.  Stan stayed at home for an hour to see if I was going to get any weakness but decided to head into work around 9am.  I emailed Dr. Westgate to find out if she  wanted me to go to the hospital or go in to see her.  She emailed me back around 11am with instructions to go to the hospital.  I had just decided that I needed to go there anyway because my arms and  torso had started to feel weaker.

We got to the ER and they took me back to the room right away.  The ER doctor came in pretty fast too.  He had already looked over my history and my records from my previous hospital admissions.  It was already decided that I was going to be admitted.  I just had to wait on the attending doctor to come see me and for a bed to be assigned.  It took about 3 hours before I got up to a room.  By that point, I could only shrug my shoulders a tiny bit.  We were really surprised that they admitted me to a regular room this time and not the ICU like the last 2 times.  I got to my room around 6pm, got my dinner ordered.  Stan had to feed me.  After the boys visited and went home, I tried to go to sleep, only to wake up about 15 minutes later choking on my secretions.  I couldn't swallow my own saliva and I was having trouble breathing.  The ICU manager came up to my room and stayed  with me until the doctor could come evaluate me and they could get me transferred to the ICU.  The ICU doctor saw me as soon as I got to the unit and decided I was didn't need to be intubated yet and they wanted to wait to see if I could turn things around with the 1st dose of IVIG since it was currently infusion.  They did some breathing tests frequently over the next several hours.  I stayed borderline until partway through the next day.  I was finally out of the woods breathing wise by early afternoon.  I still required oxygen though.  I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything except for 1-2 ice chips per hour because I couldn't swallow without choking.  That lasted until the next afternoon when   I was allowed to start with soft food and slowly advance my diet.  I finished my IVIG on Thanksgiving early in the am (like 4am.)  By the time the doctors rolled around at 9ish, I was able to lift my arms off the bed a little bit, move my hands, move my torso some and wiggle my toes just a tiny bit.

I've been out of the ICU for 3 days now.  I can raise my hands over my head well enough that I can braid my hair.  I can lift my torso off the bed.  I can turn myself with help.  I still have very little movement below my waist except that tiny twitches I have in my feet and my upper body is very weak.  I can't open my milk cartons, or some of the bottles, like soda bottles, but I am getting stronger every day.

The plan is for me to be transferred to the rehab hospital as soon as insurance approved the referral.  I'm going to call on Monday and find out when they estimate an answer.  I know I only have 60 days of inpatient rehab per year and I have used about 34 maybe, so I still have 26 days, almost 4 weeks worth.  I shouldn't need more than 2, maybe 3 weeks.  I usually bounce back really fast from these once I start going through PT/OT, especially

When the neurologist saw me in the ICU (not my normal one, but the one who saw me the last time I was here), he did make a few recommendations for me.  He thinks I should go see a neurologist at one of the teaching hospitals in Houston or Dallas once I am able to travel.  Dr. Westgate, my regular neurologist, has mentioned this once already to me, so she has been thinking this way too.  She hesitated though because the one I saw in Houston prior to seeing her said that my symptoms were being caused by stress.  I have no doubt that stress makes my symptoms worse, but they are by no means the sole cause of them.                                                                                                                                             

I haven't fallen off the edge of the eath

Just in case you were wondering, I am still around.  Life has just gotten busy.  I think I need to put "write on blog" on my calendar because then it will get done.  PT and doctors appointments have become my full time job since my last big hospitalization.  During my last episode of paralysis, it turns out my bowel was damaged, so I have pelvic physical therapy once a week, pool therapy once a week and regular PT once a week.  I go for my weigh-in at Ideal Protein once a week and usually see the chiropractor while I am there.  I almost always have at least 1 doctors appointment each week.  The week of Halloween, I have 3.  Having a chronic illness is a full time job.  I have to factor in a lot of drive time too since we moved out to Del Valle.  All of my doctors are at least 25-30 minutes away and a few are 40 minutes away.  I would really love to have a more energy efficient vehicle.  Handicap vans are not the most energy efficient things.  They are always big and the equipment weighs a lot.  I really didn't think I would still be driving a van when  I didn't need it to chauffeur kids around.  I would love to be able to drive a smaller car.  I am so grateful to have this van though and that we were able to inherit it from Stan's mom when she passed away.  These handicap vans cost double the  cost of a regular van.

Last week I  had my 4th hospitalization for the year.  I have broken 2 personal hospitalization records this year.  Not somethings I was trying to do.  First, longest hospitalization - 5 weeks.  Second, most hospitalizations in 1 year -4.  My previous record was 3 and all 3 of those were fairly short, like 2-3 days.  This year I have spent over 8 weeks in the hospital.  Now I bet you want to know why I was in the hospital.  It was actually planned.  I had to have my baclofen pump replaced.  The battery was almost dead so we wanted it done while my deductible and  out of pocket max were still met.

This surgery was much easier than the initial placement.  Only had to be in the hospital over night.  I was in the hospital then in rehab for 2 weeks last time.  The worst part of the recovery has been  unrelated to the surgery.  I have a condition called autonomic dysreflexia.  It developed after my 2nd paralysis episode.  This means the autonomic nervous system doesn't regulate itself the way it should.  The autonomic nervous system controls all of the nerves that are involuntary like in your heart, blood vessels, lungs, sweat glans, hair follicles and many other areas.  This disorder is common after spinal cord injuries and can happen in things like Guillan Barre or multiple sclerosis.  My paralysis episodes are very much like Guillan Barre, they just don't fit the diagnostic criteria because of some of my test results.  So, after we got home from the hospital, my skin started feeling like I was sunburned everywhere.  I have had this a few times but not  really since I started IVIG.  This is the one symptom I have a hard time dealing with.  I can never get comfortable.  The breeze from the ceiling fan makes my skin burn.  There were some strange things with it though.  I was getting goosebumps everywhere off and on.  There was a lot of pain associated with the  goosebumps.  They are the worst on my legs.  Also my legs feel like I haven't shaved in several days despite the fact that I have shaved twice since my surgery.  It's like the goosebumps are pushing the hair follicles out more.  If  anything rubs on those stubbly areas, it hurts even more.

I have found nothing that gives me any lasting relief.  Stan gave me a blessing and commanded the nerves to begin healing and the pain to ease.  I have pleaded with God to take away the pain multiple times and asked him what I needed to do to get rid of the pain.  I've broke down into tears a couple of times a day.  Early Saturday morning I really broke down but decided I needed to approach this a bit differently.  I prayed to god and told him I was going to turn this over to him.  I asked him to help me have faith in the blessing Stan gave me.  Then I asked him to inspire me that  I would know things that would prevent the  pain from getting worse.  I immediately received some very clear instructions.  These instructions not only kept my pain from getting worse, but I actually experience some improvement.  Sleeping has been difficult for me, but I have been able to sleep on my side better than I usually can.  The really strange thing is that I wake up hot but it I remove the covers, or even just the top blanket,  then I get goosebumps and I am in more pain.  I am really hoping my AD was just triggered by the surgery and the pain.  I really don't think I could deal with this on a daily basis.

I walked today

Today was a big milestone.  I walked 5 feet today both in the pool and in the therapy gym.  In the pool, I could only take tiny steps.  The water helped me move my feet a lot.  Later in the day, my therapist  had me try to walk in the gym between the parallel bars and at first I couldn't move my feet because I had too much friction on my feet with my shoes on.  Then she took a piece of paper and wrapped it around my toes and taped it to my shoes.  That allowed my feet to easily slide across the floor with very little friction.  After that, I  walked about 5 feet holding onto the parallel bars. 

On Tuesday, my rehab doctor, Dr. Latorre, met with my PT and my PT and my nurse for that day to discuss my progress and plan for discharge.  He set my tentative discharge date for August 3rd.  This hospitalization will end up being a total of 3 weeks, 1 week in the main hospital and 2 weeks in the rehab hospital.  Stan was really hoping that I wouldn't have to be in rehab as long since I was just in rehab only 3 months ago.  I learned a lot of skills that I would need to use while I was weak.  However, I was too weak to use many of those skills to start with.  I couldn't sit up when I 1st got to rehab so I couldn't  even transfer with the slide board.  I had to be moved with the lift.  Now I can transfer from the bed to chair and to the toilet by doing a stand and pivot.  I put my legs in the position I need the to be, stand up and  turn my body.  My legs don't move at all during this type of transfer.  My arms do most of the  work.  It's basically just hopping from the bed to the chair using my arms for support.  Going from my chair to the toilet, I use the grab bars next to the toilet to hoist myself up and I swing my hips over.  It's getting easier to move this way each day.

Tomorrow Stan and I  will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary.  I am so grateful to have such a wonderful man for my husband. He has been  my rock through the last 11 years as I have battled MS and  now whatever this latest neurological illness is.  Our marriage is stronger now than  it ever has been.  I can honestly say that we have never had a fight.  We have disagreed on things and  had discussions about them, but we have never had a fight about them.   Dr. Latorre is giving me a pass tomorrow so I can leave the hospital for a little while so we can actually celebrate.  We are going to go out to eat somewhere, probably Joe's Crab Shack, then we haven't figured out what we are going to go do after that.  We may go home for a little while before we have to come back to the hospital.  We have to be back  here before midnight.  We are going to leave as soon as my therapy is finished tomorrow.  I'm hoping they have me scheduled earlier in the day rather than going late into the afternoon. 

Hospital day 5

I got out of the ICU last night.  We were hoping I could go straight to rehab, but they didn't get the PT eval done, despite it being ordered on Sunday.  It didn't get done until this afternoon as a matter of fact.  Hopefully insurance will approve rehab early tomorrow so I can get over to rehab and  not just have to sit here in the main hospital doing nothing.  Medically, I am stable now.  I am just soooo weak that I can't go home.  PT tried to get me out of bed today and we didn't get very far.  They brought me to the edge of the bed and had me sit up with lots of help.  Then the therapist let go and I fell backwards.  I had to  either be held up by someone else or lock my arms behind me.

I am am still paralyzed from the waist down but I can get my hips to  make tiny movements.  I can't get anything at all from my knees or feet.  My hands, arms and shoulders are really weak.  I can hold my cup, silverware, and feed myself.  I can hold my phone, control the remote.  I can't raise my arms over my head though.  My diet was advance today to something resembling regular food.  It is called mechanical soft.  Everything comes up from the cafeteria already cut up, as if I can't cut up my own food.  I still am eating a lot of things like yogurt and pudding and mashed potatoes.  Stan got me a big smoothie this afternoon.  I still have some trouble with swallowing.  I have to swallow 2 or 3 times to get each bite down and I have to take really small bites and chew it forever.  I was already a really slow eater.  When we go out to eat, I'm going to have to tell them to bring my food out 1st so we aren't there forever.  I have to have a swallow study some time  while  I am here.  They are going to stick a fiber optic scope down my throat and watch what happens while I am swallowing.  It doesn't really sound fun to me but hopefully they can figure out what exactly is causing my swallowing issues and give me some strategies to fix it or they can figure out something else to fix it.

I want to thank everyone that is praying for me and my family.  I am a firm believer in prayer and have a lot of faith that Heavenly Father answers prayers.

In the ICU again

I intended to keep this up to date a little better but I haven't done a very good job.  I have a good reason to add an update now though.  Friday the 13th proved to be a bad day for me.  I'm not superstitious so I usually don't worry too much about the date except when I was working at the hospital because it always proved to be a busy shift.  Friday evening, we decided to go see Ant-man and Wasp.  It was a pretty good movie although not my favorite Marvel movie.  I was walking just fine for me prior to leaving the house.  On the way there, I went to move my foot of the accelerator to the brake and it wouldn't move.  Thank heaven for hand controls.  I had to use my hand to move my leg off the accelerator before I could break w/ the hand controls.  We got to the theater and I discovered it was both legs that were paralyzed, not just one.  That means this wasn't just one o f my MS flares and I needed to  watch for it to start moving up my body. I told Stan about it in the lobby and said we could go ahead and see the movie since we had already bought the tickets but if I felt the  paralysis spreading, I would let him know and we  would leave.  By the time the movie was done, I was paralyzed up to my bra line.  We sent the boys home in the Civic and we headed to the ER in my van.  Stan gave me a blessing in the van.  That was a 1st.

We got to the ER about 8:20.  I told the nurse what was going on and  what I had been through in April and they got me back in about 5 minutes even though there were several people there before me.  That is what triage is all  about though.  The ER doctor came in pretty fast. He had reviewed my medical records from my previous admission.  By this time, my arms were a little weak.  He  wasn't  messing  around and decided to admit me, but not to ICU.  About an hour later, the attending MD came in and I could barely move my arms.  Still  I was going to the floor though and not  ICU.  I was kind of surprised but figured it was probably because my diaphram wasn't involved last time.  By the time the nurse came in and told me I had a room ready and I was ready for transfer, I could barely move anything and they had decided  I needed to go to  ICU.  It was after MN now and no longer the 13th.  I think I  got to the  ICU around 1:30. Around 2am I  started having trouble swallowing.  I didn't have that problem last time. They got the 1st dose of  IVIG started about 2:30.  About 12 hours later, I started being able to move my fingers just a little bit.

I have had 3 doses now.  I have the movement back to my arms, shoulders and upper torso but they are very weak.  I'm starting to get a little bit of motion to my hips, but I have to assist a lot with my arms and  upper body.  So far I haven't gotten anything back to my legs yet which is disappointing.  I had to stay NPO all day Saturday but Sunday my swallow started getting better so they let me have purred foods and thin liquids.  It's a very limited diet.  It's also high carb and more sugar than  I have had in an entire year.  The worst part is that I can't swallow pills so they have to be crushed up and put in food or given IV.  Some of them are horrible tasting and make me gag.

I just found out they are going to transfer me to a regular room tonight.  Hopefully I will move to rehab tomorrow.

Finally Home

I actually came home yesterday afternoon, a day earlier than planned.  On Wednesday afternoon, my PT met with my family and we made sure I could get into my van.  While I was sitting in the drivers seat of the van, my therapist made a comment about how easy it would be for me to just drive home.  As we talked more, we decided that I could go home after OT taught my home health nurse how to help me with transfers.  We worked it out with the case manager.  Yesterday, I sprung it on Dr. Latorre.  Usually they don't do therapy on the day you go home and I had a full day of therapy scheduled.  I didn't  see the point of staying there over night just to wait for home  health to be arranged.  I was so happy to be home.

The house wasn't as bad as it could have been.  The kitchen was about what  I had expected.  The boys consider "cleaning the kitchen" to consist of doing the dishes that are in the sink.  The kitchen counters were pretty messy with  trash, crumbs, sticky stuff and general junk that needs to be put away. The fridge had a lot of rotten food in there.  I threw some of it  away immediately.  There is still something in there that smells though.   It took all of  my will power not to go in and clean the kitchen.  I had to do a little bit of clean up this morning before I could make my breakfast but I'm trying to be careful and not over doing things my 1st day out of the hospital

The rest of the house was pretty good.  There were blankets all  over the couch which is pretty normal for us since the cats have scratched up the couch.  The table is cluttered.  Our bed had stuff all  over it but it w as an easy clean.  Our bathroom smelled like cat pee though.  Patches was diagnosed with a  tumor in her throat just a few days before I was admitted. She went down hill quickly and went off somewhere by herself and  passed away, or so we assume because she hasn't been seen for more than a week.  Prior to her disappearance, she was drooling everywhere and it was really smelly according to Stan.  She also kept peeing in she shower, so I'm sure she is the one who peed on the carpet in the bathroom.  Lucky may have done it too to cover up Patches marking.  You can just never tell with  cats.  They never did this in our old house but when we moved into the apartment while our house was being built, we had a problem with the cats doing their business in the showers.  That transferred over to the new house.  We put hinges on the  door to keep the bathroom doors closed.  We thought they had stopped so we let our bathroom door open when I couldn't  walk again just before Christmas.

Next week, everything in my regular life starts up again.  On Monday, I have my pain doctor appointment then in  the afternoon I will  have my home health PT eval.  Tuesday I have to have an EMG as part of the continued work up to figure out this ascending paralysis.  I will also meet with the OT that afternoon.  Wednesday is going to be my crazy day.  I have had an appointment with my urologist in the morning.  Then I have my 1st weigh in since being in the  hospital, then my follow-up with Dr. Westgate.  In between, I need to stop by Quilter's Folly to pick up my new block of the month.  Andrew is going to drive that day so I can preserve energy.  The rest of the week is empty so I can rest.  I didn't want my schedule to be that full so close to my discharge.  I would have preferred to spread those appointments out a bit but I've  had the pain Dr. appointment for over a month, and the urologist for 6 months.  Dr. Westgate wanted to see me the week after I  got out of the hospital.  I'm hoping she can get to the  bottom of this quickly.  The neurologist I saw in the hospital  told me that it was very likely that the ascending paralysis could happen again.  I hope it's easier to get answers this time than when I 1st started having neuro problems.  It took a year to diagnose me with MS.

The end is in sight

It has been a really long couple of weeks.  I was 1st admitted to the hospital on March 24th.  I have been in the hospital for 4 weeks and 3 days now.  1 week prior to this admission, I had spend 24 hours in the hospital with chest pain that  turned out not to be cardiac related but the beginning of an asthma exacerbation.  I am scheduled to go home on Friday.  I can't wait.  5 weeks of  being in the hospital is a really long time.  It's my new hospitalization record.  I hope it stands for a long time.

Over the weekend, it seems like my strength increased a lot.  On Friday I started being able to stand from my wheel chair and then pivoting over to the toilet.  It was pretty challenging at first, but it is pretty easy now.  It seems a little silly that the staff has to supervise me since they just watch to make sure I am ok.  I couldn't really take any steps on Friday on land or in the pool but today I was able to walk about 20 feet both within the  parallel bars and with a walker. 

Tomorrow my PT and  OT will  have a meeting with my rehab doctor to discuss my progress.  They are going to recommend that I be allowed to be independent in my room for all of my activities in preparation for discharge on Friday.  This week we are going to continue to work on arm and hand strength by working on my quilt block, leg strength and flexibility, core strength, fine motor skills and lots more.  When I go home, I will have Rehab without Walls which will come to my house for a few months to do therapy and continue working on all of these things.

I'm sure everyone is tired of  hearing about the hospital so I can start writing  about other things.  I also plan on starting to write some of my like history in this blog.  I have a booklet with life history prompts and I plan on  using those prompts as my post title and then my entire post with center around that prompt.  Maybe one of these days I can just make my blog into a book with some minor editing.

Progress Report

It's been a few days since I updated this because it's been just the same thing going  on every day here.  I've been going to PT and OT and getting a little bit stronger each day.  Today we added pool therapy.  Here is a break down of the things I couldn't do when I got out of the ICU but I can do now.  Some of  them are pretty small things, but are a big deal for me.  They are big steps toward independence even though they seems like such small things.  First of all, I can  roll over by myself and position myself in almost any sleeping  position.  I still have a little bit  of trouble if I need to position pillows under or between my legs but I can  get into a comfortable position on my own.

2nd, I can sit on the edge of the bed without falling over.  The last day that I was in ICU, the therapist had me try to sit on the edge of the  bed and  I  could not hold myself up.  I still have a little bit of  weakness in my trunk that shows up at various times, such as when  I am trying to stand, when I was in the  pool, and when  I am trying to bend over to pick  something  up from a sitting position and coming back up (like if I drop something)

3rd, I can transfer from my chair to the bed and vice versa independently.  I started doing  this  independently only 48 hours prior  to going to the ICU.  It's the quickest way for me to get in and out of bed.  This became possible only because my trunk became strong enough to hold myself upright.  I used a slide board to do this transfer.  The slide board created a bridge between  the chair and the bed or whatever else I am transferring to and I slide across the bridge.

The biggest thing is I can stand a little bit.  This allows me to do a stand pivot transfer to the toilet from my chair..  Using the transfer board on the toilet is really hard since it isn't an even surface and it is very slippery.  Now I can stand perpendicular to the toilet, pull my underwear down and swing my hips over to the toilet.  This gives me a huge amount of  freedom when I am out in public.  I won't have to carry my slide board with me when  I  go places or have to figure out  how to maneuver in a handicap stall that is just a little bit too small.

Overall, my strength is coming back too.  When the doctor does a neuro exam,  they assign a number to each  extremity for strength ranging from 0-5.  A score of 5 is a normal, strong extremity with no deficits.  It's been a long time since I have scored a 5 on a neuro exam.  A score of 0 means the extremity being examined is paralyzed, no spasms, no muscle tone, completely flaccid.  When my right leg is paralyzed from my MS flares, it never scores 0 because I always have spasticity and high muscle tone.  It was usually 1 initially because I had muscle tone and spasticity but no voluntary movement.  When I was in ICU last week with my full body paralysis, my neuro exam score was 0 on all 4 extremities.  Today, I scored 4- in my arms, 2 in my L leg and my Rt leg is a 1+.  These numbers are a huge improvement from my ICU time.

I have 1 more week in rehab and then I get to go home.  It seems like I have been here forever.  I am so ready to go home.

Where did those muscles come from?

I have been in physical therapy for the years and years, mostly for my legs, especially my right leg.  It has been paralyzed multiple times.  With lots of PT and IVIG, I regain my ability to walk at least some.  I've had paralysis in every extremity in my body at some point over the last 10 years.  The majority of the exercise I get come from PT exercises and a recombant bike at a slow pace for 20-30 minutes most days.  These are not the kind of work outs that can make a person sore.  This is why I was very surprised when just a day of rehab made me very, very sore.  I started getting a little sore after my first 2 hours of PT/OT yesterday.  We did core work almost exclusively.  I took some Tylenol and felt better.  This morning though, I was very sore.  My back and obliques hurt a lot.  It's not my normal back pain.  My abs hurt too.  I guess that is what happens when those muscles are paralyzed for a few days, then have to be strengthened.  I feel like I did 500 sit ups.  I guess the soreness is worth it is because my trunk is stronger today than it was yesterday.  I can hold myself up for several minutes before I start to drift.  Do you know what the worst thing about being sore is?  Being in the hospital, I am limited to what the doctor orders for pain and they only ordered Tylenol every 8 hours.  Who gives Tylenol every 8 hours?  I need to get this changed as soon as I  see Dr. Latorre in the morning.

My ICU visit

I typed this up a few days ago but  it would not publish to save my life so  I just saved it but no such luck there either, so here it goes again, attempt number 2 to share with you my ICU experience.  It's one I hope  never to have to experience ever again.

On Sunday, while still in rehab, I woke up with my legs reparalyzed.  I let my nurse know and went back to sleep.  a few hours later, right during shift change of course, I woke up again and could not move from the waste down.  This was serious business and to this nurses brain meant lots of bad stuff was about to happen.  I tied not to freak out but insisted my day nurse call the doctor.  He didn't  hesitate to order an mri of my back and consulted with the attendings at the main hospital.  The rest of the day continued without incident until about 5pm when my hands started to feel weak.  I couldn't hold my phone or control my wheelchair.  This quickly progressed to full paralysis in my arms and within 10 minutes my torso lost movement.  By 6:30pm, I was on my way to the adult ICU in the main St. David's hospital.  I was paralyzed from the neck down with some mild decreased sensation to the soles of my feet and lots of tingling to my feet and hands.  I was trying to stay calm so my husband stayed calm to, but I will admit that I was terrified.

I received 2 blessings that day.  The first one was given to me by my husband when he got to the rehab center shortly after the  paralysis started to return.  I love Stan's blessings.  He always tells me how much the Lord loves me and how pleased he is with the choices I am making in my life.  Next he told me that the Lord was aware of the pain and suffering I was experiencing and though I would regain my ability to walk a gain, it would be in the Lord's time.  I  needed to  turn to my Heavenly Father in pray and turn to the scriptures.  I needed to be willing to ask for help from those around me, especially when so many people are always offering to help me.  My Heavenly Father encouraged me to accept all the help that everyone keeps offering, allowing others the blessings they receive from serving.  I will be ther 1st to admit that I am not very good about letting others help me.  I want to  do things myself, even after 10 years of dealing with this disease. I have been really working on that though.  After I starting having the ascending paralysis, Stan really wanted me to have another blessing but he felt he was too close to the  situation tell me what the Lord was saying rather than what he wanted to say so he asked Bishop Kriese to give it.  Bishop's blessing told me I would be healed in the Lord's time and  I  needed to put the work into getting better but the healing process had already started.  I needed to stay faithful, which I did all week.  While there was reassurance in these blessings, they didn't keep me from being totally scared.   I have learned that when blessings come in the Lord's time, that usually means that I will have a trial that I have to go through before the healing comes to pass.  I did a lot of praying to my Heavenly Father during those days in the ICU and learned more about the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Each time I go through one of these medical trials, I learn a little more about the  atonement of Jesus Christ.  I am so grateful I have a Savior who willingly suffered everything that I have to suffer in my life time so that I don't have to when I am overwhelmed and to the point I can't take it any more.

They had to watch my breathing very carefully because with my entire body already paralyzed, then next thing that would go would be my diaphragm, which would mean I would have to be put on a ventilator.  They did a test every 2 hours to see if my diaphragm was getting weak.  By the 4th or 5th test, I was at the bottom limit for diaphragm involvement.  I couldn't take a deep breath at all but I was maintaining my oxygen saturation at the lower limit of normal.  I got a little bit out of breath when I talked and I was sleepy a lot.  I did best when I slept.  My saturation was better then and I was just more comfortable so then nurses wanted me to sleep as much as possible, and so did Stan.

Monday afternoon I had to go get a spinal tap to test for a bunch of things.  I had had an MRI of my spine on Sunday afternoon when it was only my legs and hips involved that was normal, not even any "MS Lesions", new or old.  They had already decided 2 weeks ago that this could not be caused by MS because of the lack of spasticity and that continued to be true.  My body was completely flaccid.  Interestingly, even my neck, which for all intense and  purposes doesn't seem effected because I can still move it,  is no longer tight and spastic like it usually is.  That part is really nice actually.  I would like that fact that I have no spasticity if I could actually walk and move my body around.  "Body, you did not need to go from one extreme to the other, you really didn't."  I don't know why I just bothered trying to tell my body that little bit of advice.  I don't know about your body, but mine never listens to me.  I was never a rebellious teenager, but I have a rebellious 40+ body.  I wish I would have been a  rebellious teenager if this is the trade off 😁

Ok, now that we took that little detour, back on track.  After I got back  to the ICU from the spinal tap, they started another round of IVIG.  It's a good thing you can't really have too much IVIG because this was about to be my 3rd course of IVIG in less than a month, each one bigger than the  next as far as total dose.  Dose 1, my regular home dose is 90gm given over 2 days, dose 2 was 111gm, given over 3 days, then the dose in the ICU was 165gm over 3 days.  The very strange thing is that I tolerated the 2 hospital infusions better than I tolerate my home infusion every month.  My home nurse and I have been looking at a bunch of different variables between what they do in the hospital and what we do at home to figure out what the difference is and how we can replicate that at home. Within 30 minutes of the 1st IVIG completion, I started to be able to move my fingers a little bit.  I slowly regained use of my hands, arms and torso as the night progressed.  Nothing from my legs or hips though.  I'll take what I can get though.  I got another bag of IVIG each day for a total of 3 days and each day I got more movement back plus the areas that had already started to move got stronger.  It felt amazing to move again and I thanked God so much for the miracle that he gave me for it felt like a miracle to me.  I know the blessing told me that I would regain use of my body again, but when you are laying  in a bed and someone is having to feed you, roll you over, dress you, undress you, brush your hair, brush your teeth, rub the sleep from your eye, scratch  your nose, EVERYTHING, then when you start to move you hand even just a little bit, it is a miracle.

 My 1st dose of IVIG was 5 days ago as of the time of this writing, I am still seeing improvements every day. They are small improvements; slight increased movement to legs, or maybe a little more strength to my torso or a little more coordination to my fingers (the coordination in my hands sucks.  It's really hard to write)  I try not to compare my abilities now with what I could do when I was 1st admitted to rehab on 3/29, or remind myself that yesterday was my original discharge date.  Those kinds of things really discourage me and they are defeatist thinking.

I had my PT and OT evaluations today.  I definitely can't do the things I could when I came to rehab the 1st time, but the therapist are optimistic that everything will come back  quickly.  Their evaluation on top of the blessings I have received make me confident that I will walk again.  I just have to work hard, pray a lot, rely on my Heavenly Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ and anything is possible.

 I'll have some therapy this weekend, so I'll probably post an update at the end of the weekend to summarize everything.  I hope everyone has a great weekend

Big leaps forward, then 1 step back

I will warn you THIS POST CONTAINS MANY TMI STATEMENTS SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
I know that  is not how the saying  goes, but I  feel as though I took  more than  steps forward for my little step back  today.  My sleep was really off last night despite Dr. Latorre having me on scheduled sleeping pill.  I've never taken a sleeping pill regularly, or even as needed.  I've taken Ambien once and that knocked me on my backside.  I got 1 Ambien tab before I left the hospital after going in for preterm labor and getting a bunch of shots to stop it (the shots make you very jittery).  I don't remember getting  home, and then I slept for 22 hours straight except for stumbling to the bathroom  every few hours (I was pregnant)  Because of that experience, I shy away from sleeping pills.  However, Dr Latorre (my rehab Dr in case you don't remember) wants to make sure I am getting adequate sleep so he  has ordered a sleeping pill to be given every night.  Last night, not even that was enough because I kept waking up to pee   When you can't walk to the  bathroom and you have to use a catheter to pee, this can take quite a while and can result in being wide awake when you are done.  Despite being careful not to drink too much after 8pm, I had to pee 3 times last night.  Sometimes it was a lot and sometimes it wasn't.  Then I started itching a lot which is one of my annoying MS symptoms so I put lotion on the effected areas, benadryl cream and finally just asked for some oral benadryl.  I had 3 bouts of sleep that were 2-3 hours each.  I was not ready to wake up.

Now this am, when the nurse took my am vitals, my BP was 100/56.  For those of you who are not medical, this is a low BP.  It I  was someone who was walking, it could have made me faint when I stood up out of  bed.  Since I was moving to the wheel chair, that wasn't a problem.  We did hold my diuretic which keeps my legs from swelling because I am in the wheelchair all the time.  I had some dizziness during PT a short time later and my heart rate was pretty fast, like 120.   My BP was good after a few hours of drinking a lot of fluids. My HR has been up most of the day, higher than my norm of 95-105.  I kept having to pee really frequently though but only had small amounts.  Usually I can only tell if my bladder is full when I have more than 750cc of urine in there but this am it was 200-300cc and I felt like I was going to burst.  A urine culture has been sent but the urninalysis was normal so we will just have to see how the culture comes out.

While all of this was happening this morning, I started having some muscle spasms again.  I would have been perfectly happy if they never came back and they took my pump out. This is one of  the biggest reasons all my doctors and  I were sure I had a UTI. No change in dose on my pump today.  We will see what happens with my spasms today.  I did get the OK to do  my bed to chair transfers alone today, but I can't go to the bathroom by myself.

I my speech and cognitive therapy today, I was given the game Luminosity on the tablet as my homework assignment.  It was challenging but I was surprised to find out when it scored me that I did better than 20-39% of the people who are my age

Progress Report

I'm not going to report on the things I did today because frankly, it's the same things every day as far as therapy goes.  I will tell you about the great progress that I has become most apparent today.  When Dr. Latorre came in to adjust my pump more today, he assessed movement, strength and spasticity/tone.  Still no spasticity or tone, which is still so strange but I could more my right foot at the ankle rather than just the toes and my left one actually moved some at the ankle.

In the therapy gym. I stood quite a long time with support.  I was able to take a few very small steps with assistance.  I think if my foot didn't drag so much on the ground I might be able to take bigger steps.

In the pool, I walked about 20 feet although the PT had to scoot the  rt foot along.  I can do a lot more exercises in the pool and have more movement.

I also worked with the speech therapist today on strategies for when I forget words or when I replace words with wrong words.  Many of them were things I am already doing.  We also discussed memory strategies.  I used to have a sharp memory.  Now it's as dull as a ball.  I do all the things she suggested there too.  Use a calendar, use a check list, keep notes in a smart phone or notebook. Set alarms for things.  These are all things I do on a daily basis so I don't forget appointments, things I have to do, projects I want to do, grocery items, medications, etc.  I'm glad I'm an organized person or I could never keep it all  straight.

Sleeping pill is kicking in again so I am off to the land of ZZZzzzzz.

Rocked Transfers, Added Pool time

I can honestly say that I ROCKED transfers today.  I did most of my transfers today without the use of  the slide board.  I did what is called a squat pivot transfer.  We started doing that yesterday in the bathroom after struggling with the slide board and pinching the inside of my leg, causing a big blood blister.  It hurt so bad.  Also the slide board fell into the toilet.  That  is what made the decide they needed to figure something else out for the bathroom.  Now, my legs have gotten strong enough that I can pull up with the bar, stand for 30 seconds or so to pull my pants down, then sit back down, then stand and pivot over to the toilet.  I repeat this process on my way back, with a rest stop in between.  I can do all of my transfers pretty much by myself with just a little bit of supervision.

This morning, we started some therapy in the pool. I couldn't walk or swim from station to station so she had to carry me which felt strange.  Once I was there, I was able to do more in the water than I  could in the gym.

I also had a more extensive speech and memory evaluation.  I did fine on the evaluation.  As I explained the problems I have with my speech, such as replacing words in conversation, forgetting the names of objects and people.  Those are the biggest.  Of course, those couldn't be replicated in the evaluation.  Those are usually things that come up in higher stress situations.  She just showed me pictured and asked me to  identify them.  I had no problems with that.  She also did a longer version of the memory test and I did poorly on that again.  We decided not to pursue speech therapy here because it will detract from the other therapy I need.  I get 3 hours a day of therapy no mater what kind of therapy it is.  Once I get a little more mobility back and I am not needing such intensive PT, I may look into speech therapy a little more.

The nurse just gave me a sleeping pill that Dr. Latore insisted I take while I am in the hospital and I am having trouble staying awake.  I really need to post around dinner rather than at 9pm

More transfers and more standing.

The 1st full day I was here, I was asked what my goals were.  I said I wanted to be as independent as possible so I didn't have to rely on my family for my basic needs such as ADLs,  I have always greatly valued my independence.  I am willing to ask people to help me do things so that I can preserve my energy but I don't want to have to have people do the most basic things for me.  I don't want to be pitied or treated like I am weak.  My legs are weak but I am not weak.  I may not be able to make a big family meal, but I want to be able to make my own meals for myself or heat up leftovers.

Next,  I wanted to be able to stand so I can do my weight checks for my Ideal Protein diet.  Being that there is a big gap in this blog, it is not really clear here that I have lost 60 pounds since June 19 and I have 40 more to go.  I need to be able to weight in weekly to monitor my progress.  It's possible to weigh in a wheel chair but it is a pain in the butt.  Worse case scenario I would make an arrangement with Dr. Latorre (my rehab Dr.) to weigh at his office every week or 2.  I would prefer to use the IP scale because it tells body fat and lean body mass but this would only be worse case scenario.  I am well on my way to being able to stand on the scale though.  I have been  able to stand at the parallel bars with lots of extra support.  I can shift my weight side to side.  The strange thing with standing up is that I  can't feel my muscles engaging when I stand.  The staff tells me my legs are doing all the work but I don't have any control over it and I can't feel the muscles doing anything.  There is an exercise bike I use that can tell us when my muscles kick in and when they are just flaccid - it all feels the same to me.  It is very strange.  It is also very strange that there is NO tone in my legs and no muscle spasms.  We are still decreasing the baclofen dose since I don't need it.  Dr. Latorre has cut it in half or more in the 10 days I have been in the hospital

To be independent, I have got to master these transfers and that has been harder than I thought.  I've mastered transferring from the bed to chair and back.  I'm getting pretty fast and it's pretty smooth.  The toilet and the shower are another story.  I think it's managing the clothing.  I won't get into detail because that  is TMI.

Lastly, I will probably get a speech therapy evaluation.  I don't know if anything will come of it but we will see.  Any of you who converse with me regularly know about the problem I have with switching words so things don't always make sense, forgetting words, not being able to say words properly, etc.  I only scored a few points under passing but it qualified me to have an evaluation.  I'll post about it after I have it

Some good things happened today

I think I've recovered from being totally overwhelmed on Saturday although I will admit I still haven't mastered betting my pants down, getting to the toilet, doing my business, getting back to the chair and getting my pants up.  That is what started getting me overwhelmed in the 1st place.  It's getting a bit easier but the transfer board just doesn't stay very well on the toilet and it is hard to get your underwear up when you can't stand up.  I have to recline my seat all the way and roll back and forth hiking up each side.  It wears me out.  The staff wants to help me a lot, especially the new tech but it is important that I do as much as I can by myself but then I have to realize that I am still learning how to do all of  this and I still need a lot of help so I need to realize when I need it.  It's a balancing act.

When I worked with physical therapy this afternoon, she had me standing up for 20 minutes.  Now before you get excited I was not standing by myself.  I couldn't even feel my muscles activating while I was standing.  I was in standing frame that pulled me into a standing position then held me there.  After a short break, I was able to do a few minutes of standing at the parallel bars on my own.  The 3rd time, I did feel my muscles engage but it was erratic and out of control.  Regardless, it was muscle engagement and it is a start.

Dr. Latorre decreased my baclofen dosage again.  Still no spasticity.  It still feels really strange to not have spastic legs.

My therapist have a meeting with my doctor tomorrow and they will give me a better idea of how long I need to be here.  My OT was telling me today that she thinks until maybe next weekend so that means no Bluebonnet  shop hop.  I'm bummed.  It was going to be so fun doing that with Delia and Margie.

My diet has really suffered the last 2 days.  I have had a lot of cravings, way more than usual.  I'm sure that means I am no longer in Ketosis.  When I am firmly in  Ketosis, I really don't crave sugary foods at all.  The last 2 days, I have had many, many times when I needed to eat when the only thing available is the food on the unit and there is nothing IP friendly here.  I have had 2 snacks of graham crackers and pudding.  Andrew is picking me up a new weeks worth of IP snacks.  That will help with these between the meal munchies. 
Getting sleepy so I am off to try to sleep.

Easter in Rehab

(Stan and I out on the patio by the cafeteria.  I think I look a lot thinner than my photo taken at 189#.  I haven't been able to weigh in over 2 weeks.  What do you think of my "bling" around my wrist, aren't we stylish couple)

Today is Easter.  Today is also General Conference for those of us that belong to the Mormon religion so there was no church today, which I'm sure seems strange to all of  you Catholics and Baptists because Easter is an important reason to go to church.  General conference is a wonderful time though.  We get to here our prophet speak to us.  This time we even have a new prophet,  Russel M. Nelson.  In addition to being a prophet of God, he created and invented the 1st heart-lung bypass machine  to make open heart surgery successful.  He is famous world wide for his work as a cardiac surgeon.  As many lives as he has saved with his amazing surgeries, he will save even more in his current capacity as prophet, seer and revelator for the  world, not just our church.  I'm looking forward to going back and listening to these talks.

Stan and the boys came  up today to celebrate Easter.  We played games for a few hours and just relaxed.   I didn't have therapy today.  You only get it one day on the weekends got therapy.  I did practice going to the bathroom a several times and figuring out how to get my pants and underwear off.  That part is exhausting.  I need to talk with Dr. Northway, my urologist and have him help me figure a few things out.  I'm falling asleep.  I'm going to try to write earlier tomorrow.

Betrayal at Baulder's Gate.  We just stated so not much of a game play area.

Things got real

After yesterday's evals, I was feeling pretty good.  I was rocking the transfer board transfers.  They complemented my core strength and upper body strength and my motivation.  Today was not so easy.  I wore a dress yesterday was plain underwear underneath.  Today I decided to wear a loose fitting pair of pants and a top so I didn't have to worry about flashing everyone.  Huge mistake.  It took me 10 minutes to get my pants up after I went to the bathroom 1st thing this am and I was dripping in sweat.  I changed into a dress again for the rest of the day.  Those issues in the bathroom made me start thinking of all the issues I can have in the bathroom away from home.  I already have trouble with public bathrooms having handicap stalls that are too small for my power chair.  I can't always get onto the toilet easily.  Having to be lined up and using a transfer board isn't going to make this any easier.  I frequently have to rely on being able to walk when  I go to friend house because even if their house is accessible, the bathroom is not.  Now my brain is running away with all kinds of scenarios of being in public and not being able to actually use the toilet.  I'm sure I will work them out eventually but I felt overwhelmed today.  When I go home, at first I will go to my medical appointments and that is all.  I'm going to need time to get used to the world again. 

I ended up fretting about these things all day.  Just before Stan went home for the evening, we said prayer together.  As I am praying for us to be able to learn to cope with my new limitations together, I start to break down and start to bawl.  Stan doesn't always know what to do when I start to cry like that.  He likes to be able to fix things, but that isn't a "I need it fixed" kind of cry.  It's just an "Im over whelmed and need to release some tension" kind of  cry.  I guess guys don't get those because he has always tried to "fix it".  After almost 28 years of marriage he has finally realized there is  nothing to  fix and I just need him to hold me and let me cry.  It always feels so good to release that pent up tension and just cry.  I figure I'm going to  be tweaking how I do everything for a bit until I find what works for me with my new limitations.