Things got real

After yesterday's evals, I was feeling pretty good.  I was rocking the transfer board transfers.  They complemented my core strength and upper body strength and my motivation.  Today was not so easy.  I wore a dress yesterday was plain underwear underneath.  Today I decided to wear a loose fitting pair of pants and a top so I didn't have to worry about flashing everyone.  Huge mistake.  It took me 10 minutes to get my pants up after I went to the bathroom 1st thing this am and I was dripping in sweat.  I changed into a dress again for the rest of the day.  Those issues in the bathroom made me start thinking of all the issues I can have in the bathroom away from home.  I already have trouble with public bathrooms having handicap stalls that are too small for my power chair.  I can't always get onto the toilet easily.  Having to be lined up and using a transfer board isn't going to make this any easier.  I frequently have to rely on being able to walk when  I go to friend house because even if their house is accessible, the bathroom is not.  Now my brain is running away with all kinds of scenarios of being in public and not being able to actually use the toilet.  I'm sure I will work them out eventually but I felt overwhelmed today.  When I go home, at first I will go to my medical appointments and that is all.  I'm going to need time to get used to the world again. 

I ended up fretting about these things all day.  Just before Stan went home for the evening, we said prayer together.  As I am praying for us to be able to learn to cope with my new limitations together, I start to break down and start to bawl.  Stan doesn't always know what to do when I start to cry like that.  He likes to be able to fix things, but that isn't a "I need it fixed" kind of cry.  It's just an "Im over whelmed and need to release some tension" kind of  cry.  I guess guys don't get those because he has always tried to "fix it".  After almost 28 years of marriage he has finally realized there is  nothing to  fix and I just need him to hold me and let me cry.  It always feels so good to release that pent up tension and just cry.  I figure I'm going to  be tweaking how I do everything for a bit until I find what works for me with my new limitations.