“Sticks and stones can break my bones
but names will never hurt me”. When I was growing up, that is
what we were taught to tell a bully when they called us names that
were intended to belittle us. As a young adult in my mid 20,
weighing over 200 pounds, I realized that the phrase should have been
“Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will hurt
forever”.
When my step dad came into my life, I
was 10 years old and built like a toothpick. Over the next few
years, puberty entered my life and I got my curves like I was
supposed to. My step dad made fun of me for it. He called me
“Fatty Patty” and would make rude comments about gaining weight.
I thought I was so overweight in high school. Looking back at
photos, I wish I would have realized I was at a healthy weight. I
have never been the supermodel thin girl that some of my friends were
though. All I needed to do was develop good eating and exercise
habits to make sure I stayed that way. I did OK all through my junior
year in high school until my senior year. I started working a part
time job and would stop and get fast food on my way home from
work. My mom wasn’t the best cook and I never had time to eat at
home. We also never ate fast food when I was growing up. My single
mom could not afford it so it was a luxury for me. I started my
senior year at 135 and ended it at 175. This was the beginning
of my weight problem, the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. This was
going to be a long road of body hating and body shaming.
After high school, I went to nursing
school. Nursing school was one of the most stressful things I
have ever done in my life, maybe up until this past year, but you
will learn more about that later. Almost everyone gains weight
their 1st year of college. I didn’t have the added issue of moving
away from home, living on dorm food and all of that. I lived at home
all through college. My second semester of college, I went on
my first serious diet. I had to get a PE credit and I had always
loved gymnastics, so I took a gymnastics glass for 1 credit. My
weight was somewhere between 180-190 at this point at age 18. I
was out of shape too. This wonderful gymnastics instructor took a
special interest in me and spoke to me after class one week into
class about my weight. She offered to help me with a weight loss plan
and I accepted. I started on the Scarsdale Medical Diet. This
diet was popular in the late 1970s and the 1980’s. It was very
similar to the current low carb diets that are popular now. The diet
gave you a specific meal plan to follow for a few weeks then you were
supposed to eat a more regular diet for 2 weeks. It was more involved
than that, but it was a long time ago so I don’t remember the
details. My weight fluctuated some during nursing school
due to stress but by the time I graduated, I was down to 145. I was
almost 21 years old. It was a big struggle and I fought some pretty
big demons right after I graduated. When I was working night shifts
at the hospital, it was really easy for old eating habits to creep
back in. I started to get very obsessive about tracking calories and
about what I ate. My roommate commented once that she never saw
me eat. I blew it off, figuring it was just because I worked nights
so we were never awake at the same time. I realized though that she
was right. I was hardly eating anything and I was taking a lot of
vitamins and telling myself that would be enough. I got some
counseling and stopped the behavior before I became anorexic. Looking
back, that really scares me. I have seen myself in both
extremes - the overeating and the under eating. Neither one are
pretty.
To be continued...
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